Developing Rules & Boundaries
for Your Teen
By Mark Gregston
(formerly, Disciplining Your Teen)
2010 Mark
Gregston
Published by the Heartlight Ministries
Foundation
The publisher and
author reserve all rights under International Copyright Law. Contents and/or cover may not be reproduced in
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gain in any form or on any website or in any material without the express
written consent of the publisher. Normal copyright laws apply. Any excerpt or portion
used must give full credit to the author and publisher, with a link to the web
address: http://www.heartlightministries.org
Foreword
In a world where conflict,
confusion, and turmoil surround our teen’s culture, it’s difficult for parents
to correct, confront, and be firm with their teens who display inappropriate
behavior, or show a need for some “help” to mature and develop responsibility.
For parents to balance their role
between confidant and disciplinarian is complicated, especially in a world
where parents strive to create a relaxed atmosphere for their kids, away from
the pressures of life.
Mark Gregston shares his insight of
30 years of working with teens and parents, showing parents how to use
discipline as a way of helping their child “get to a place they want to be,”
and “keeping them from a place they don’t want to go.” His practical suggestions along with his
proven ideas are formulated from a relational mindset that encourages parents
to not miss a great opportunity to deepen their relationship with their child.
Were My Parents Really that Bad?
My concept of
discipline, like so many other people, was formed from my childhood. If you did something against the rules, you
were disciplined. That discipline was
usually corporal. Pretty simple. Don’t do anything bad, and you won’t get
nailed. If you did do something wrong, dad
would find out, get home from the office, and you’d get a few licks from the
belt. Mom sold us out…dad corrected the
problem. It was probably what they
learned from their parents, who were influenced by other military
precedents.
I learned that you
never said anything bad to your mom or dad. Cussing, swearing, and dirty jokes
never darkened the doors of our home. I
mean, it wasn’t only that we didn’t “say” it; we didn’t even think it. Beds were always made. Shoes were always shined (I remember
competing with my brother to see who could shine their shoes the
brightest). You were always on
time. “Yes Sir”, “No Sir.” “Yes Ma’am,” “No Ma’am.” Load up; we’re going here or there. Meals were served, you ate…everything. Clean your plate. Comb your hair. Stand up straight. Shake someone’s hand (the civilian act of a
salute) and when you do, do it firmly.
Speak when spoken to. It was dad’s
way, or no way. Period. No sissy stuff. Treat a girl like a lady. Keep your closets
and toys neat. Take care of your business.
Defend yourself. Treat your mom
nice.
Sound a little
like the military? You bet it did. Respect ran high….but it was a little short
on the relationship side.
dad worked hard
all his life to provide for his family.
He worked at the same job for 38 years.
It was his way of providing for his family. Or should I say, the way that he loved his family. He worked hard and long, because that was the
way you loved. He demanded (strongly),
because that was the way you were to live.
You respected your elders, because that’s the way it was. Period.
As my dark hair
lightens, I hear less, and my eyesight diminishes, I find that wisdom comes
easier, that I listen more, and I see more with the eyes of my heart than I do
with those on each side of my big nose.
The aging process brings a greater understanding of my mom and dad, thus
more of an acceptance of the fact that things really weren’t as bad as I
thought they were while growing up. Now
don’t get me wrong, “things” weren’t perfect, but everything wasn’t as bad as I
thought then with my foolish thinking.
My dad worked hard
because he grew up during the depression, and knew what it meant to have
nothing. I’ve never even been close to
that reality. My dad left his junior
year of high school to go fight a war in the South Pacific. I spent my junior year with my girlfriend
(who later became my wife), swimming laps, and growing hair.
His desire was to
provide for his family, and to protect all of us. He did both.
Food was always on the table, a roof was always over our head, and we
never got attacked.
Then the 60’s and
70’s came along. The focus of my
generation moved toward “all you need is love”, “smile on our brother,
everybody get together, try to love one another right now.”, and “whole lotta’
love.” We “showered the people we love
with love.” We “showed them the way that
we feel” (that was a new concept…feelings).
Our music expressed our longing and new pilgrimage to
relationships. The concept of all
holding hands, growing out long hair, and screaming “Peace” amidst an Asian
conflict was a struggle for some dads who hadn’t known how to do “that”, as
they were too busy “loving” in other ways.
Why in the world
are these comments in a, e-book on discipline?
It’s important for us to understand that the roots and concepts of
discipline are usually transferred from parents. The transfer is not just “like father, like
son.” It transfers differently. It transfers upside down. It’s like this. What my dad did, I want to do
differently. I used to think that I had
to stand against everything he stood for.
The generation gap was becoming as big as the Grand Canyon….widened by
the desire for relationships.
So my focus when I
raised my kids was on relationships…..not on provision and protection. The “pendulum of parenting” was swinging the
other way. On one side of the pendulum
is the military rule. On the other, are
pure relationships. My generation leaned
and fell “head over heels” toward relationships.
We’re the “Starbucks
generation.” We wanted to have a place
to go sit and have a cup of coffee, and talk.
We wanted to go to a Cheers kind-of-place where “everyone knew our name.” Somehow, we were determined to have
relationships with our kids in extra-ordinary ways. We embraced new tools of communication: cell
phones, instant messaging, text messaging, e-mail, blogging.
We gave our kids
things we never got. We did things with
them we never did with our parents. We
spent time in activities and encouraged our kids to do the same. We became taxi drivers, shuttling out kids
everywhere to do everything. We became
coaches. We began to work in boosters clubs.
We started teaching Sunday School. We home-schooled. We got involved. We indulged. We bestowed everything. We
spoiled. We began to see fathers push strollers, change diapers, and forsake
business deals to spend time with their children. We put TV’s, stereos, computers, X-boxes, Play
Stations, microwaves and phones in our kids’ rooms, creating little apartments
for them to separate themselves from the family.
We gave them
everything we could. Toys ‘R Us stores sprung
up around the country. Playgrounds
flourished. McDonald’s added play areas
for kids. Baby Gap. Kids Gap. Pre-K.
Pre-pre K. Ministries to children
exploded with emphasis. Laws to protect
children were enacted. We filled our kid’s high school parking lots with new
cars. Our kids became the most
fashionable in the world. Summer camps flourished. Kids visited businesses with their dads. PTA, PTO, MADD, and MOPS emerged. Young Life, His Life, Youth for Christ, and K-Life
boomed. Youth buildings were built. Youth and children’s ministry positions
became full-time paid positions and not just volunteer ones.
Sports and
extra-curricular school activities exploded.
Some parents began to live life through their kids, others began to live
life as a kid, and some began to idolize their child and find new meaning as a
parent, thinking all along, isn’t it great to have a relationship that I never
had?
Didn’t we all
begin to revolve our family’s world around our kids?
Better
relationships? Maybe. But what we also got was some things that we
didn’t anticipate.
Putting kids at
the center of our world backfired. It created
a self-centered generation that lacks maturity.
They’re disrespectful of adults and of things. They say inappropriate things to parents,
teachers, and coaches. They’re
demanding, always wanting more, even though they already have everything. They can’t keep busy enough away from home, nor
spend enough time “hanging” with friends.
Down deep, they’re angry, but they don’t know why.
Need I go further? I’m sure you get the picture, and maybe you
have the epitome of this description living in your home. Don’t think that I don’t love kids….I love all
kids. And I know that there are
exceptions to everything that I’m writing.
But, I think there’s some accuracy in stating that we’ve created an
environment that we didn’t anticipate, and for the most, a generation for which
we didn’t prepare. So, it’s not the kids’ fault – it mostly ours.
To
do all we have for our kids and to get the response that this new generation
exhibits, is probably as upsetting to us as it was that generation who
sacrificed and loved us in different ways and saw a response that “thumbed our
noses” at what we later called the “Great Generation.”
Somewhere, because
of our desire to build friendship with our children, we moved from parenting to
“peer-enting.” It’s easy to bark out orders when we’re the
boss. It’s simple to direct when we’ve
been made the director. It’s relatively
painless to correct someone when we’ve been placed in that authority
position. But, correcting a peer or a
friend is far harder, when we stand on equal ground with them. By wanting to have stronger relationships
with our children, we have eliminated our position of authority. I think this is a result that we all wish we
would have better anticipated.
So the big
question is this: How do we get back into that position of authority, and while also maintaining
the relationship that we have longed for with our kids? Can we do both? You bet we can. Maybe we’ll even learn to love our kids in a
deeper way and find a stronger relationship with them than we have ever
had.
We can say to our child: “As a parent, I desire
to stand beside you and walk with you in life….but make no mistake; I will
stand in front of you when I need to.”
Discipline is helping my child get
to where he wants to be, and keeping him from going to a place he doesn’t want
to end up. A combination of being strong
when you need to and being tender when called to results in better
parenting. It’s not either/or. It is both/and. I would submit to you that a healthy parent
knows when to do both, and knows when to do neither.
Scripture
describes God as a mighty warrior in the book of Isaiah. It also tells about His soft side, “As a
mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.” God embraces both feminine
and masculine characteristics; power and a great sense of tenderness. If one of our purposes as a parent is to give
our kids a taste of the character of God, then we must give them both
sides. Each parent must exhibit both
sides; not masculine characteristics just from dad and feminine characteristics
just from mom.
If you’ve never
been “firm” with your children, then chances are it will be harder to “change
your style” and begin offering your children something that they need
desperately. In addition, if you’ve
never been tender with your child, your kids will have a more difficult time
accepting your new desire for warmth and gentleness. It’s never too late to start.
It’s not about me . . . It’s about them.
Most people don’t
discipline their child because they’re afraid they will become like that
military father who they swore they would never be like. Others don’t discipline because they’re
afraid of losing something with their child that they have worked years to attain…a
good relationship. Some parents flat
don’t know what to do because everything has gone so well, and then they are “blindsided”
by the fact that their child is moving into an arena that will demand some
behavior changes, some consequences, or some new boundaries.
Most of the time
we’re just unprepared. The teen years
bring new ways of parental teaching. We
should be moving from the lecture method to the discussion method. We talk differently to them. We give them more freedom. We catch a glimpse
of adolescent rebellion occasionally.
They begin to move away from us socially. It’s a time of change. Change means that parents would be wise to
anticipate these changes, and understand the new world they are about to move
into with their soon-to-be adolescent.
If you’re already there, then you know what I’m talking about. Needless to say, understanding that there will
be changes, allows me to prepare, rather than being caught with my guard down.
We tend to raise
our kids doing everything for them.
They, for the most part, think that we can do no wrong. They think we’re Superman or Wonder
Woman. It’s easy to idolize your
children when they make you think you’re a god or goddess of some kind. Our image of them — running to us screaming
our name and waiting to be hugged — does amazing things for our egos. As kids get older, things change don’t
they? They go off to 6th or 7th
grade and find that they aren’t as “neat” as they thought they were. As their thinking process morphs from
“concrete thinking” to “abstract thinking,” they begin to view us a little
different as well. They begin to realize
that we’re not as “neat” as they thought they were.
A
teen has an amazing way of pointing out issues, struggles, and shortcomings in
a parent’s life. These, perhaps, are
items of the past that have never been dealt with, items that you thought had
already been dealt with, or new feelings and thoughts that you never even knew
existed. We always think we have to deal
with all the issues at hand.
Let’s
make sure we are clear on this: while a parent might need to deal with some
of their own issues, discipline’s focus is about the child, not the parent. (How you deal with your own issues will
determine how effective you are in your discipline techniques. Your issues don’t give license to your
children, at any age, to ignore or neglect the type of discipline that will help
them get to the right place.)
This
is about them. It’s not about you. You may need to deal with your own
issues. However, your “dealing” doesn’t
mean that you can ignore the role that you play as a parent, nor does it mean
that a child can ignore the role you must take.
The
focus of teen discipline should be aimed at dishonesty, disobedience, and
disrespect. Hopefully, your child will
learn that, when these are present, there will be consequences. Honesty
is a character issue that will help them in their relationships in the
future. Obedience will help them gain direction and insight into life. Respect
is the bedrock of all friendships and interpersonal relationships. So your corrections of these qualities are
about them…not you. You correct them, so
that they will have the type of relationships that they really want…and to keep
them from destroying or impeding relationships with their foolishness.
Just
a word about consistency of discipline: mom and dad need to agree on what the
parameters are (I’ll write more about this later). In divorces, each parent must maintain the
same standards. Grandparents must not
violate parents’ standards because they think they know best, or just don’t
care about the parents’ intentions.
Consistency over a period of time is key, and must involve all the
authority figures in the family.
I
would add just another note here. I’ve
always said that moms instill a sense of value in a child, and dads validate
that (a book can be written on all the many aspects of that statement). I add this here because I see numerous times
that mom is the one doing all the discipline (and ends up being the “bad guy”)
and dad doesn’t participate or chooses to ignore the need. In these cases, the message given to the
child is “I don’t care.” Without
participation in the discipline of a child, a dad will force a child to find
validation for their value somewhere else.
Who wouldn’t want
to help a child get to a place they want to be?
Who wouldn’t want to keep them from going to a place they don’t want to
go? If one thinks discipline is just
punishment and the inflicting of pain, then shoot, who’d want that role? Being a “little Hitler” can’t be enjoyable in
any sense of the imagination. If the
definition of discipline that I submit to you is accurate, I would then
encourage you to embrace the wonderful role that you’ve been placed in with
your child.
Just
because you encounter a few “bumps” along the way doesn’t mean that your
involvement isn’t necessary. You won’t
“get it right” all the time. You see,
even Superman can make mistakes. If he
does, remember, this isn’t about him.
Some Things to Remember about Discipline
After years of spending
time with young people and their families who are having discipline issues, I’ve
learned a few things by watching interactions, looking for effectiveness, and
hanging in there long enough to see the outcomes, that might be applicable to
many families.
If
you are currently seeking direction for the disciplining of your child, or are
in the midst of needing to change your style of discipline because it “just
ain’t working like it used to,” I would first encourage you to “hang in there.” You will get on the other side of this
“thing” called adolescence. There is a
brighter day. There is the opportunity to have a deeper relationship with your
child than perhaps you had with your parents.
But, hang in there.
John
Wayne once said, “Courage is getting back up in the saddle.” These are true words that are well understood
by those of us who have ever broken or trained horses. The
process begins easy, but can get pretty ugly.
I have a set “breaking and training” practice that I follow…BUT, it is
adapted to each horse. The course of
action that I take brings many different reactions. When one method doesn’t work, I don’t think
of myself as a failure, but I simply start using another technique. The breaking and training of a horse is hard
work. It’s hard, but it’s worth it
because I know that one day, I’ll have a great relationship with that horse
that will carry me and walk alongside me in many different “fields,”
I’ve
been bit, kicked, knocked down, snorted on, thrown off, pulled back, head
butted, beat up, broken, worn out, pooped on, dog-tired, clothes ripped, blisters
torn, slammed against fences, walked on, stomped on, and run away from during
the process of training. The response
from the horse…angry, mad, hostile, obstinate, belligerent, unwilling, un-teachable,
stubborn, fighting, horse cursing, immovable, inflexible, and bent to remain a
wild, selfish, self-gratifying, hay-eating, headstrong and non-compliant
equine. I’ve learned through my years of
breaking horses, that the horse really thinks the problem is me and my
interference in this stubborn animals’ life.
Eventually, even the horse learns that this isn’t about me….it is about
him. I keep the process going. Why? I
love the horse. I really do love the
process as painful as it is. It’s
because I know where I’m headed…for the both of us.
Here are some
things to remember about discipline.
- The purpose of discipline is to help your child get to a place that he/she want to be. Understanding that, a parent must then construct every consequence, rule, expectation, and directive around the intent of getting the child to a place that he/she wants to go. Much like a horse, any child can’t totally understand, much less comprehend where they’re going, or how they’re going to get there. Unlike a horse, a child can learn to trust in deep ways, and can reason a little better (we hope).
I stated earlier
that discipline shouldn’t always be about punishment. The direction that I take my child must be
predicated on the fact that I know where I’m going. As a parent, one must understand the
direction, the “end point”, and have some strategy to get there. If a parent doesn’t understand this, then the
purpose of discipline becomes nothing more than telling a child what NOT TO DO,
without telling them what TO DO. It’s
like saying to them, “Don’t go there, because I want you to go to a place that
neither of us knows.”
So the questions I
would ask are: Where are you going with
your discipline? Do you know where you
want to go with your child? Do you know
where your child wants to go? Do you
know for what you’re disciplining them?
Do you have a plan? (Remember, if
you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.)
- Rules without relationship cause rebellion. If one thinks that discipline is nothing more than a list of rules posted on the refrigerator that line out how everyone is supposed to act, they are greatly mistaken. It is important that time be spent with your child outside of just correcting and disciplining them. I usually suggest that a father and son, mother and daughter or any combination of the four, spend time together over a weekly breakfast or a special weekly dinner, where a relationship can be fostered. If you tell me that you already have a great relationship, then I would tell you to do it anyway. It is one more opportunity for you to develop a platform of dialogue should a tough time arise or if you find that discussions at home just aren’t working. Have a meal together. Spend time asking questions. Get to know your child. Ask what is happening in their life. Don’t share your opinion until they ask. Move toward them. Get their “take” on things in their world.
Over time you’ll
find that this new platform will give you the opportunity to share your
stories, a place to admit faults and shortcomings, an arena for them to share
their concerns, and an opportunity for them to ask you questions. And don’t quit meeting if there is
disagreement or conflict in your household.
Commit to the time, and commit to each other.
If your child
doesn’t want to do this, make it a requirement.
Let them know that you think that it’s important enough that you’ll not
pay for the cell phone, or not pay car insurance, or not pay for
a car. Let them know that this is so
important to you that you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Build the relationship.
- Look to their interest. As stated, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Scripture reminds us in Philippians to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Don’t hand out a consequence just because it makes you mad. Hand it out because, if they continue in the inappropriate behavior, the result will be something that is harmful to them, and will take them somewhere they really don’t want to go. Now you may still be mad, but don’t let your anger be your motivation. Your motivation is to help your child, not to vent your frustration or anger. The purpose of getting together for breakfast should not be that you’ll look like a better dad, but should be because your child needs time together with you. The purpose of having them make good grades is so that they can get to the college they want to go to, not because making bad grades is a reflection on you. The reason to encourage sports is not because you feel that every child who plays sports is better, but because your child wants to do something. This is about them…not you.
- “Standing in front of your child” means confrontation. Confrontation is never easy, and is never really that enjoyable. It’s easy to hang out with a child when everything is going well….not so easy when it’s not. Confrontation doesn’t have to mean war. Hopefully, you can move to a discussion about whatever the issues are, and put them on the table to talk about. It might happen at the breakfast you have every week. It might happen in the car. Wherever it happens, just make sure that it does. To avoid confrontation is only postponing the inevitable to a time when things will be worse.
As a word to the
wise, I would tell you to not confront when you are angry. Let everything cool down first. When you do approach your child, let them
know that you’d like to talk about something that has come up. When you do get together for the
confrontation, lead with questions.
Give opportunities
for answers. Keep telling yourself that
this is about them, not you. Share your
concerns.
- Don’t be afraid of seeing your child go through pain. Parents are, at times, much too quick to rescue a child from their discomfort, thus keeping them from learning from their mistakes or choices. A person will continue in their inappropriate behavior until the pain derived from that behavior is greater than the pleasure received from it. Your rescuing just might allow them to continue in their plight. There are many words for this…denial, enabling, equipping…all done with the wrong motive, and all leading to wrong results.
When your child
does go through consequences for inappropriate behavior or poor choices, don’t
pull back from the relationship. They
can be grounded and still have you spend time with them. They can “pay the price” and still have you
love on them. Disengaging from a child
while they’re being “disciplined” or going through the pain of some loss of
privileges communicates a performance-based relationship. This communicates to your child that you’ll
be “with” them as long as they don’t do anything wrong, which isn’t exactly
what most parents want to communicate nor is it what most teens want to
hear. Young people who I have met
through the years all know that their parents love them when they’re “right”,
but live with a fear that they won’t be loved when they are “wrong.” Let
them know that you love them when they are wrong.
There’s nothing
wrong with communicating to someone that if one continues in the behavior then
it will damage your relationship with them.
Not because of what you’re doing, but because of what they’re
doing. Remember…it’s about them.
Whenever young
people are disciplined at Heartlight, they are usually given work projects or
eliminated from social activities. While
they work, I make sure that I get them something to drink, grab something from
Starbucks to take to them, stop and talk with them, or buy them lunch. It is
my intention to communicate that I love them just as much when they’ve done
something wrong as when they do everything right. All kids need to hear that message.
- You can’t correct everything so pick your battles wisely. If I was determined to correct every issue that a child presents, I would spend all my time correcting, and very little time building any relationship at all. Your child is not going to be perfect this side of heaven, and there’s plenty of time to correct things along the way.
Experience has
showed me a couple of things (among the thousands) of note about moms and dads
in this regard. moms have a tendency to
want to correct everything, and most of the time, can’t sit still until
everything is “right.” Dads on the other
hand don’t think that anything is wrong, so they stop short of doing anything
to correct the presenting problems.
The answer: Mom
and dad need to get together to figure out what is important at this stage of
the game and determine how issues are going to be confronted, and decide what
needs to be tackled now, and what can wait.
- Discipline is a lot more than just rules, consequences, and justice…it’s training. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Most take this Scripture to mean only spiritual training. No doubt, it does include that, but it also would pertain to training in the world of finances, in developing responsibility, and in personal relationships just to name a few.
I wonder sometimes if the reason that we see so much anger
in young people is that we’re not preparing them for the world into which they
are walking. Anger is an emotional
response to not getting what you want. Young
people tell me all the time that they’re angry, and they don’t know why. As I spend time with them and help them
process what they feel and think, I sense that they just aren’t ready to hit
the world running, and it angers them.
Could it be that this is one of the reasons that young people headed off
to college these days are so dependent on their parents? I’d be mad too if someone expected me to
fulfill an expectation without preparing me for the task. It’s just a thought…
The point is this.
We must prepare our children for the world in which they will live. Somewhere
in the midst of raising children, our emphasis must switch from protecting to
preparing, from lecture to discussion, and from doing things for them to
allowing them to learn to do things for themselves. They’re immature. They’re immature because we’ve created a teen
world that is lacking in accountability, and short on responsibility. Parents must move young people from
dependency on mom and dad to independence.
It’s a part of training. It’s
part of discipline. It allows a maturing
of relationships to happen. The kind of
maturing that makes it easier to “leave and cleave” when the time comes.
The purpose of
discipline, the need for real relationship, the interest of the child, the task
of confronting, the necessity of pain, the value of wisdom, and the importance
of preparation – what else do parents need to know about discipline?
Beliefs, Boundaries, and Rules
Beliefs
Most of the time
parents are coming to me and saying the following: “Help me, my home is
spinning out of control!” “What I’ve been doing for so long isn’t working any
longer, what do I do?” “How can I get my kids to listen to me?” “I’ve ignored
my kids for so long, how can I start something new when I’ve been such a
failure?” “Where do I start?” These are
great questions from some great parents who desire great things for their kids.
They just don’t know how to start.
Let’s
start at the beginning. Have you asked
yourself those pertinent questions that would give you some direction? “Who am I?” “What do I believe about what I want for my
family?” “What do I want for my kids and
from my kids?” “What do I support, and
what do I not support?” “What do my kids
need?” “What are some goals I would love
to see realized for my family?” These are all great questions that help parents
establish what they believe.
Once
parents know where they want to go, it’s much easier to map out a strategy. A major roadblock to developing a new
strategy is the belief of most parents that parenting should become easier as
the time goes on. Thus, there is a
dependence on parenting skills “of old” and former “habits of the home” with
the belief that because these formerly used customs worked then…so why won’t
they work now? Using the old ways allows
for old behaviors to continue: Fifteen
year-old kids throwing fits like a five year-old; Sixteen year-olds who can’t even get out of
bed, but are expected to hold a job;
Eighteen year-olds, who are now adults, being treated like they were
twelve, and acting like it. Which came
first? The treatment or the behavior.
In
his book, Dedication and Leadership, Douglas
Hyde comments that to get more from people, you must demand more. Scripture tells us that “We have not, because
we ask not.” It’s true. We get what we ask for. So the big question is: What are you asking for of your teenagers?
It
is my personal belief that a seventeen
year-old young man ought to be able to get out of bed. If he can’t, then he needs to pay the
consequences. What are those
consequences? He’ll be late to school,
have to “stay after” to make up a class, might flunk the class or test that he
was to take that day, or might miss something in which he really wanted to
participate. Now, if he gets mad at his
parents for not waking him up and is disrespectful, then we have another
problem. I can promise you this, if he
has to pay the price a number of times, he’ll change his tune and learn some
new habits. Right now he doesn’t have to
because mommy and daddy will come and wake him up. (My dad got out of his bunk at age seventeen
to run radio communications on a naval destroyer in the Pacific. This young man can’t even get out of bed to
make it to school, and worse yet, he feels it is mom and dad’s responsibility
and he gets angry when they don’t do their job.)
There
are problems written all over this scenario and they can be applied to several
different situations. First, the parents
have allowed old habits, those developed in the elementary school years, to
creep over into the teen years. Second,
the parents are keeping this child from developing responsibility, thus
allowing immaturity to continue. Third,
the child is angry because he hasn’t been prepared to do what he needs to do in
a world that will demand that he work to get somewhere. Fourth, because of the
dependence the young man has had on his mom or dad to wake him up, he will be
even angrier when the parents decide to transfer control of this little responsibility
to him. Why? He’s dependent on it. Where should he be moved to? Independence .
What
do you think about this story? Sound
familiar? If parents are going to tackle
issues such as these, they have to start at the very beginning. And the beginning is asking them what they believe. The question here is, “Do you believe that a
seventeen year-old young man ought to be able to get out of bed on his
own?” If you do, then you take that belief and apply “rules of the house”
to the situation to begin the process of preparing your child for the next
stage of his life; a stage where “mommy and daddy” won’t be around to wake
“Billy” up in the morning.
Please
recognize the exaggeration in this story.
I do so to make a point. It’s
almost as if parents fall into the trap of depending on ideologies that were
formed by their parents, or determined at the earlier stages of their
marriages, or developed when their children were very young. These family customs have got to change. The first part of this change is to determine
my beliefs. The second stage is setting some boundaries.
Parental Boundaries
A parental boundary defines us. It tells us who we are, and perhaps, who
we’re not. A boundary gives us
backbone. It allows us to not be walked
on or taken advantage of. It defines my
role; which roles I will play as a parent, and which ones I won’t. It’s saying “No” when I want to, and “Yes”
when I want to. These boundaries are
something that are about me. And, there’s nothing wrong with establishing
who I am. In the process, defining who I
am as a parent and individual will also define boundaries for our child and how
we interact.
Allow me to use this
truth to demonstrate some parental boundaries that I would place in the
“getting-out-of-bed” illustration. The
first boundary that I would set is: I’m
not an alarm clock and I’m not going to take on the responsibility of getting
someone over the age of twelve out of bed in the morning. The
second boundary is: I’m not responsible for you getting to school. The third is: I’m not
the person to complain to when you can’t fulfill what you need to do to make
life happen the way you want. I’ll talk
about it, but don’t “dump this one” on me.
Now, I can still make breakfast,
still engage in conversation, but all the while, I let them take
responsibility.
Young
people tell me all the time that they want to make decisions for themselves and
be in control of their own lives. My
first thought is “Hallelujah! We want the same thing!” So what do we do as parents? Give it to them. Let them do it. Some young people have the ability to “set
the world on fire,” (figuratively speaking…not literally), but they can’t even
get out of bed.
It sounds harsh
doesn’t it? It does if you are
accustomed to being walked on and have gotten in the habit of “babying” your
child. It’s not really that harsh if you
sit back and read again what is being asked.
How are we supposed to put this
into action?
If your child is
young, let them know that when they turn thirteen that you expect them to get themselves out of bed, do
whatever you require thirteen-year-olds to do in the morning, eat breakfast,
and be ready to leave for school by a certain time. Remember how they want to be a teen and take
on responsibility? Give it to them. You’d much rather deal with the repercussions
of their learning at an earlier age when grades don’t matter as much, than you
would when their learning could postpone going to college.
If your child is
that seventeen year-old, then it’s okay to change directions with old
habits. Yes, leopards grow new spots,
old dogs learn new tricks, and I am not doomed to live by standards and habits
that I developed twenty years ago. It’s
okay to have “that talk” with your teen, and simply tell them that you’re not
going to be able to do that any more, AND, this is a responsibility that
they’re going to have to take on. Tell
them that you’ll buy them an alarm clock if they want. Tell them that you’ll show them how to set
the alarm clock. Tell them that
breakfast will be waiting. Ask them what
they want you to do if they don’t get out of bed (I’d let them sleep all
day). Offer yourself. Give them the responsibility.
You
begin to set your own boundaries and you’ll be amazed how they will learn to
set boundaries. You begin to say “No”,
and they’ll learn how to say “No.” You
establish rules; they’ll establish rules.
You ask them questions, they’ll begin to ask you questions. You become who you are to be, and
surprisingly, they’ll start to become who they are to be. It’s an amazing concept. It’s called coaching…mentoring…training. It’s called “Monkey see, monkey do.” It’s called preparing. I think we all should know it as “parenting.”
Boundaries for Your Teen
I’ve always said
that immaturity demands boundaries, and
all teens are immature at various levels. So, as a parent, I also need to set the
boundaries (the fences) in which my child has the freedom to operate. It’s saying to my child: “Here are the
options for you to choose.” Their choosing
is in their control; therefore, their exercise of decision making takes on new
meaning. However, if they choose outside of the boundaries, then consequences
must be applied to bring them back into the corral.
Setting Rules for Your Home
As parents begin
to develop rules for the home, I encourage them to outline what they believe
their home should be. I call it a
“Belief System.” After lining out the
beliefs, determine what rules will support those beliefs. From there you can then determine what the
consequences would be for violating any of the rules. I encourage people to graph out what they
want in spreadsheet form, so that each belief has a rule and each rule has a
consequence.
BELIEF SYSTEM: Using
the “getting out of bed” illustration one could line it out as follows:
Belief –
When turning thirteen, a person ought to be
able to get out of bed on their own and get ready for school.
Rule
–
You must get yourself out of bed every
morning.
Consequence –
1st
Time: You have to make up all
missed work
2nd
Time: You’re grounded for a Friday and Saturday night
3rd
Time: We’re taking the car away.
Do you think the
consequences will “push” your child to either accept responsibility or develop
some new habits? I’m sure they
will. When they learn that you are
serious about the consequences, they’ll become serious about maturing. Once the “system” is set, don’t undermine it
by making exceptions. You can do that
later. Put the system in place and let it be your guide. Just like a Policy and Procedure Manual for a
company, this Belief System can determine actions to be taken because the
decisions have already been made.
This is a pretty
easy concept and can be adapted to just about any situation or home. When you develop this Belief System for your
home, I would encourage you to insure that everything is age/maturity
appropriate, clearly understood, and mutually supported by both parents and all
involved.
When you then have
to correct your child, they will know that this is about them and their
choices. It’s not that you as a parent
have gotten them into trouble. It’s that
they have gotten themselves into trouble by not following what has been agreed
to. They chose.
I encourage you to
determine what you believe about disrespect, dishonesty, or disobedience, and
line out the consequences for the violation of each. The priority you give to your belief, or the value you place on
certain rules over, will determine the priority and severity of the
consequences. Driving while drunk will
bring a more severe consequence than not getting out of bed in the morning.
Will they like
consequences? No. Who does?
Remember, you’ve got to let them experience the pain of their choices so
that they learn “to not go there.” It’s
okay to let them “sit in it.” You don’t
have to pull back your relationship when they suffer consequences. Move
toward them.
What are some of
the consequences you can list? Remember
how we’ve over-indulged them, how we’ve spoiled them and they can hardly make
it on their own? Well, start taking it
away. There’s nothing wrong with showing
some backbone.
Discipline
is hard work. It is strategic work. I believe it takes a lot of work to
formulate, communicate, and implement a plan to help a child get to where he
wants to be, and to keep him from going to a place where he doesn’t want to
be. The problem that sometimes arises is
the inability of a teen to get a glimpse of the “bigger picture.” This inability means that a child will
challenge and question along the path of training. How could he not? But, there comes a time when any parent wants
to see progress and to know that at least something is getting through. We all want to know that our great plans are
at least helping.
When
you see that what you are doing is not working, and you’ve tried many different
approaches, it may be time to ask for help.
Help could be in the form of a youth pastor, a counselor, or a friend of
the family with whom you and your child connect. The issue is not so much who you find, but more that you do find someone to help. Don’t wait until everything is spinning out
of control before you seek guidance.
Don’t hesitate to ask just because you feel that asking means that
you’re a failure. That’s not true. It’s quite the opposite. You’ll be a failure as a parent to not ask.
Avoid Provoking Your Child to Anger
Young people today
are angry for a number of reasons, some of which have been mentioned in this e-book. When anger is present, it is usually because
someone isn’t getting something that they want.
When most families come to me, the child is angry about something, and
the parents are equally angry. Usually,
the anger of each is a response to not getting what they want from each other. Amidst all the anger, parents must reflect
and insure that some of their issues are not causing
their child’s anger. (There are times
when I as a parent must do things that anger my child. Let’s call that good anger.)
My focus here is
really the bad anger. These are the things that the parent does,
whether intentional or unintentional, that really have something to do with his
own issues, her lack of insight, his unwillingness to see, or her own
struggles. That’s the focus.
The comments that
I hear from young people most often are those that usually begin with the words
“I’m so mad at my dad…” and end with a variety of phrases like “because he
never admits when he is wrong”, or, “because he just ignores what I have to
say”, or, “he treats me like a little kid”, or “because he never listens, and
always thinks that he’s right.” They say
“I’m mad at mom…because she won’t quit hounding me about everything”, or
“because she cares more about what others think than what I think”, or “because
she knows how dad is, and won’t do a thing about it.” Some of the time, their anger is aimed at
parents’ hypocrisy, two-facedness, lack of backbone, wrongdoing, and other
inadequacies that all imperfect people display, intentional or unintentional.
So, if a parent is
going exert authority in a relationship with their child, or begin to regain
authority territory that’s been lost, it’s important that each parent follow
some counsel of a fellow who said "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” The importance of
this statement is paramount before you assume a position that will place you in
a perceived role of judge, referee, and umpire within your family.
Now, you and I know that we aren’t perfect. I’m sure that you display your imperfections
at times. (It’s hard to believe, but
probably true.) If your imperfection
shows itself in your home, your kids are going to see it. I believe the Scripture which says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” AND, I also believe the next verse, which
states “Fathers, do not exasperate your
children.” Another translation says
“Fathers, don’t provoke your child to
anger.” That’s what I want to focus
on.
Why is this important?
As stated earlier, the discipline that we are talking about is not about
you…it is about them. So let’s make sure
that the focus is not on you, nor have you be the one that is at fault. It’s hard to correct the problems in others
when others think that you are the problem.
Here are some thoughts and suggestions on how parents can
make sure that they aren’t the focus of their child’s anger. Not all of these thoughts are based on
“things we do”, but include those things that we “don’t do” as well. Don’t eliminate the observation and
inspection of yourself to just what you do…what you don’t do may be equally and
sometimes far greater “anger producers” for your child. Here are my suggestions:
- Admit when
you’re wrong. These are simple
words for a very difficult task. The
problem that teens have is that, while all parents know that they are
capable of being wrong, seldom do they admit that to their kids. Quite honestly, some parents believe
they can be wrong…they just never are.
Remember the Superman mentality. (That was when your kids looked at
you as such and thought you could do no wrong.) Well, as you’ve grown closer and as they
have become more perceptive, they’re willing to “tug on Superman’s cape” a
little more. My counsel to parents
is to go ahead and admit where you’re wrong, and by doing so, you will be
pulling the fuse out of an explosive situation. When you admit, there’s no longer a
reason to argue and fight. It
buries the wrongdoing. The
admission allows everyone to move to a different place and really deal
with the main issues, rather than getting stuck in a conversation where
you just waste time and breath.
The way to do this is simple. You begin the conversation with the words, “I
want you to know that I was wrong…” even before you say hello, hug, or
greet. It sets the tone. What you’ll find is this example will often
move your child to do the same. I’ve
seen it work so many times when I’ve been wrong, it makes me want to make
things up to say that I’m wrong (I’m joking, but there is some truth in the
process).
Many times the problem is that I don’t know that I’m
wrong. Dads, that’s where you’ve got to
be willing to believe what your wife is telling you. Perhaps, there is some truth in what she’s
saying. moms, there’s some truth in what
your husband is saying as well. Both of
you need to listen with your heart’s ear to your kids. Even when they’ve been wrong, there may be
some “right” in what they’re saying.
Take what is accurate, accept it, admit it, and move on. When you admit your wrongdoing, your teens
can’t use “it” anymore. The measure of good parents is not the absence
of wrongdoing. It’s the presence of
strength that allows them to admit when they are wrong. That’s integrity at its finest.
- Listen with “wise ears.” The tendency when you are confronted, or when approached by your child in regard to something they don’t agree with, is to get on their level rather than remaining in a position of wisdom. Perception is reality to the one who perceives it. As a parent you don’t have to be threatened by perceptions. Truth always wins out if there can be a discussion. Listen well and wise. Try to hear what’s really being said. Sometimes a child who complains about “dad’s always right!” might be a plea to a parent who “hears” the message “I’m the one who is always wrong.” If the Scriptures are true about considering the other person more important, I must try to see things from their perspective. It’s going to their turf, but still remaining who you are.
Listen. Look deeper than the actual words. Don’t let behavior fool you, there’s more
going on than you think. Think
wise. The problem is not always the
behavior. Behavior, more than likely, is
symptomatic of other issues. Do you know
all the issues your child has or is experiencing? (I remind myself, for example, that my wife
was sexually abused for seven years before her parents knew about it. It causes me to always ask “What is it that I
don’t see, that is behind the behavior that I do see?”)
- Never discipline out of your anger. It will only get you in trouble later. If you are mad because of something that your child has either done or not done, in some cases, count to 10, in other cases, count to 10 million. Count to whatever you need to so that you can enter a potentially volatile situation with a cool and clear-thinking head. Don’t let your anger become the focus of the struggle with your child.
Most situations
with your child don’t need to be taken care of “right now.” Allow some time to pass so that things can
cool down for your child and you, and so that you can think through the wisest
way to approach whatever you are dealing with.
- When you say “Do as I say, not as I do,” you are intimidating your child, stating that you are holding them to an expectation that doesn’t apply to you. You are to model behavior to your child. You are called to be a reflection of God’s character to your child.
- Ignore your child and you will stir them to anger. They might carry out that anger by finding attention elsewhere. When they get into trouble, move toward them. When they make a mistake, share with them how you respond when you fail.
- Be consistent
with your enforcement of rules.
Oddly, young people like to know where the boundaries are. They enjoy knowing the “game.” When rules change and fluctuate, so do
attitudes toward them. They deteriorate.
- Be willing to
change your perceptions. At
times, it seems that some parents are more concerned about holding on to
old rules and opinions than they are about holding on to their children. If I continued to think that anyone who
pierced themselves was gay, I’d be in trouble. If I continued to think that having a
tattoo was taboo, I’d lose some very dear friends. If I still thought that wearing Paul Revere & the Raiders boots and
a Monkee’s double-breasted shirt
while growing out every strand of hair on my head was cool, the distance
between my child and I would be unfathomable. I used to think that way. At one time (a very short time) that
type of look was cool. I wonder if
some people still think in ways that are about as appropriate as a Monkee’s shirt and go-go boots. My
point is this. Things change. I don’t lower my standards. I do change my perceptions.
- Let them grow up. Asking yourself if growth is happening
in your family helps to determine if you’re training your teen and
preparing them to face the world.
If kids today are more immature than they were twenty years ago,
chances are your child is too. We
would all do well to help them grow up.
It is harder to help them grow up than it is to do nothing and
watch time pass. The “dues” they
will have to pay in the future are much higher than those same “dues” they
can pay now.
- Use Common Sense. One father told me at a retreat that he had just gotten tired of doing what his pastor told him to do. His pastor’s “wise” advice was to spank the child until you basically beat them into submission. The father told me that he would spank his daughter on the legs sometimes until he drew blood. Now this fellow wasn’t a stupid fellow…he was a medical doctor who had demonstrated his ability to think, and surely understood what physical trauma he would cause. But, he was desperate…desperate enough that he would follow some bizarre advice that contradicts all logic and common sense. When you’re desperate, you’ll do anything. The damage that he caused was far greater than the damage that had been done through her stubbornness and strong-willed character.
This brings up
another topic that should be discussed.
People ask me all the time what I think about spanking. For young children…absolutely spank them; as
long as it doesn’t move into beating.
Using common sense, restraint and wisdom, a mother or father will find
that spanking can help a younger child learn.
I believe in
spanking younger children as long as it is one of many different options for
discipline, not when it is the only one.
But I don’t believe that teens should be spanked. I would expand that age group to pre-teens in
most circumstances. Parents must be very
careful about any form of corporal punishment for teenagers, and my
encouragement would be to use your head, not your emotions, in determining what
is right for your family.
In our residential
program for teenagers in Texas, we’ve never used corporal or emotional punishment
as a form of discipline. That’s because
other options are more effective for disciplining teens, like removing certain
privileges and freedoms for a time. Teenagers can reason, and therefore, reasonable
(non-physical) consequences can be applied to improve behavior.
Final Thoughts
Perhaps you’re
feeling like Popeye. Popeye, the old
cartoon character I remember as a kid, would take it and take it and take it,
until he got pushed to his limit and then said, “That’s all I can stand cause I
can’t stand no more.” If your child has
moved to become openly defiant, stubbornly oppositional, and blatantly
disrespectful, and all that you have tried just isn’t working, I would
encourage you to seek a greater source of help. Sadly, there’s no magical can
of spinach that’s going to give you all the strength you desire, and beating
someone up (as Popeye always did) doesn’t change your child’s problems that you
will face tomorrow. If you’ve reached
that limit, take a deep breath and pray that God will give you a bigger picture
of what is to come, rather than focusing on what you see before you. Keep looking with the eyes of your heart to
see the heart of your child, who needs you desperately to train him and prepare
her for a world that is bent on devouring their minds and erasing the
fingerprint of God that has been placed on their life. You are not only a part of the process, but a
key player on a team of people in your child’s life who will teach your child
throughout their life.
It’s not an easy
task to discipline your child. Your
child needs you to do so. He needs your
correction, your wisdom, and your willingness to help him travel the path on
which God has placed him. She needs your
gentle, but firm, guidance. And, He
needs you to be a reflection of His love to your children. A wise man once told me, “When you’re called
to be a servant, don’t stoop to be a king.”
There is never a more servant-like heart, than when a parent is willing
to love a child through anything, and remain with them in everything. Don’t quit because it’s hard. Hang in there and don’t grow weary in doing
what is right. You are to do what you
are supposed to do. Don’t let your child
determine your parenting.
Tom Landry, former
coach of the Dallas Cowboys, once said that a coach is a person who makes
someone do what they don’t want to do, to get them to a place that they want to
be. Such is the world of discipline. One day, your child will thank you for
hanging in there with him or her, and fighting for them and. at times, against
them. Success lies in the process of
what is transferred to your child as you discipline. So discipline your child well.
OTHER HELPFUL
RESOURCES FROM MARK
To
download the free e-book, Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen visit:
www.HeartlightMinistries.org/e-book
For
more books, CD’s and DVD’s of Mark Gregston’s teaching, visit: www.HeartlightResources.com
If you
would like more information about the Heartlight Residential Program for teens,
log on to: www.HeartlightMinistries.org or call 903-668-2173
log on to: www.HeartlightMinistries.org or call 903-668-2173
To inquire about Mark Gregston’s speaking engagements or to schedule a seminar
in your area, contact us at: www.MarkGregston.com
To listen to or learn more about our radio programs and where you can tune in
your area: www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org.
Mark’s Blog: www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston
Mark’s Radio Scripts/Streaming: www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/pttradio
Mark on Facebook: www.facebook.com/parentingteens
Mark on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markgregston
Mark’s Email: markgregston@heartlightministries.org
Turbulence Ahead Tour:
www.turbulenceahead.org
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Family Crisis Coaching:
www.familycrisiscoaching.com
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